The Killer Grudge!

The Grudge!
This word is probably one of the most destructive words in history.
I can talk from personal experience!

I often think to myself, will God forgive me continually for the bad things that I do and the bad thoughts that I have, continually, over and over?

I often believe that I have angered God so much that He has just given up on me and pushed me aside and now thinks "well, He has just passed the sinning threshold - now its over".
I just don't know what the problems are. I don't know how to deal with them. But the problem is, Satan loves these thoughts, because He makes you think that God has given up on you and now, you are on your own.
This becomes a big spiralling ball which gets bigger and bigger daily, and you hold more grudges, for longer and it goes on and on.....
This is a very personal subject for me and I write this from personal experience, which I struggle with on a daily basis.

I hold grudges, all the time! I think that god cant forgive me, so I cant forgive others.
The above statement is the crux of this letter. How can I forgive if I don't 'feel' forgiven?
It often feels good to hold a grudge against another person, because its what I know to do. It makes me feel like I am dealing with the situation in the way that I know best and then I write that person out of my life! Yay, I have beaten my thoughts....I have made a decision that I believe will be for the better. I believe that I don't need people like that around me so I "remove" them..

But is this for the better? Does this help?
In the short term it does! It makes me feel secure. It makes me feel strong (feelings) and it makes me feel confident.
But this is short term. The ball then starts to roll. Satan starts to work in your life and add onto these thoughts. Satan starts to make you think you don't need people like that in your life.
The problem then also is that you have so much "un-forgiveness" in your heart, that you don't believe that God has forgiven you! And because hasn't forgiven you, you cannot forgive others!

"But I just cannot seem to forgive or be merciful towards those who have wronged me! Now what?" That is because you don't truly believe that God is truly prepared to forgive you, and be merciful towards you. You cannot continue to give something that you are unable to receive.
Satan makes you believe that it is impossible to receive Gods mercy, because you cannot have mercy for others, and the other way round. (This is the rolling ball I believe starts rolling).

We are told to forgive others 70 x 7 times. Jesus was saying, basically, that we should never stop forgiving, even if it is the same person sinning against you all the time.

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Matthew 18:21-22

I have, for a very long time now, struggled with grudges. I build walls around myself to try and protect myself and my feelings from being effected or hurt. I am now starting to realise that it is those same walls that are making me think that God is so angry with me, that He cannot forgive me. (Satan's handiwork)
These same walls are blocking the Holy Spirit from entering into our lives, to heal our hurt. These same walls that we build to protect ourselves, eventually cause our demise.

I try and try to be forgiving, but I just cant. Its like it is impossible. Many times, I am not confident in my relationship with God, and this makes me build more walls around me.
Have you ever had this feeling or experience?

To summarise, what is holding back the healing of our emotional wounds, is the fact that Satan has convinced us that we have messed up so many times, that God no longer desired to forgive or be merciful towards us. Satan wants us to feel like we could forgive others, but God would still be disappointed or angry with us. That is as far from the truth as it gets - this completely contradicts what God's Word tells us about how He delights in being merciful, and promises to forgive those who are forgiving, and be merciful towards those who are merciful towards others. God does not want to even remember our sins... He even wants them blotted out of His own mind!

Holding grudges and building walls is very damaging to your soul.
I have alot of work to do personally, to break down my walls and release my grudges. I know, that with the help of the Holy Spirit, I will be able to do this.

Let me leave you with this:
Don't tear your clothing in your grief; instead, tear your hearts." Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and merciful. He is not easily angered. He is filled with kindness and is eager not to punish you.
Joel 2:13 (NLT)

Bless You